Sunday, August 17, 2014


The past four days I've spent in Santa Cruz to surprise one of my friends with her bachelorette party. It was pretty fantastic to say the least. It was a little stressful, but overall it went fantastically.

Three girls and I spent the past few months planning this trip, which included three nights in a house across the street from the beach, a bar hopping night with bachelorette scavenger hunt (get a piggyback ride from a stranger, buy another bride-to-be a drink, get a condom from a guy, stuff like that), a fancy-ish dress up dinner night, shopping in Capitola, beach bonfire with smores, the pantyhose oven mitt game, and lots of other fun shenanigans.

I also made a conscious effort to not talk to anyone that wasn't in the house with me; it's not often you get the chance to really get to know seven other girls and spend time away from regular life with them. I hardly talked to my parents (only twice to check on the puppy), and twice to my roommate (she went into mom mode and was checking up on me). Consciously putting out the effort to not talk to people is actually pretty difficult for me; I talk a lot. However, in doing so I realized a lot of things. The beach (as well as mountains) give me some peace. I can think more clearly and feel much more at ease when I'm in either of these places.

I'm still angry and still hurt and frustrated. Life happens and you learn from it and move on. You own up to your mistakes and don't make them twice. Things aren't fair and when you have good, amazing people right in front of you that are worth loving, just let yourself do it. If you don't, tell them so they can move on.

I'm feeling like I'm stuck in an emotional tug of war. It's not fair, and I can't find a way around it. I can't stop feeling what I feel, and it just hurts that what was once reciprocated isn't anymore. I'm so worth the time, and I'm worth the effort, and when I want to keep someone in my life, I make an effort to keep them in it.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

On the verge of a Crazy Ivan

There are a few things that really irk me... or get my chonies in a wad... or whatever expression you'd like to use. The list is short, but these things never fail. This list includes, but is not limited to (depending on the day), the following: 

  • Bird poop on a newly washed car
  • Finding out there are tiny bacon pieces in salads I'm attempting to eat but can't thanks to the bacon
  • When sound fails on Netflix
  • While we're on that topic... unexpectedly reaching the end of a series on Netflix when you thought you still had a few episodes left
  • Getting almost all the way to work before realizing I forgot something
  • When the bottoms of cups or bowls are indented and you splash water all over the other dried dishes when taking it out of the dishwasher
  • Missing tupperware lids
  • My need to check that the door is locked at least three times before I go to bed at night
  • When animals, dogs in particular, are treated poorly
and last but not least, because these are in no particular order... 
  • When other people talk about their lives as if their load is the heaviest to bear, and you don't know what it's like to work as hard.  

I realize these are all really first world problems, and I probably sound like I'd have a Venti soy something or other Starbucks cup burning my hand on top of all of this as well right now. Please note that this is not the case... because it's 10pm and I don't drink coffee this late... But tomorrow morning I do in fact have to change up my coffee with soy milk due to some recent changes. 

I feel the need to just vent tonight to be honest, so thank you in advance for watching these words spill out onto this blog in my frustration. 

Let's be honest- sometimes we all get caught up in life and have tunnel vision, seeing only what we have going on with work and family and home, paying little regard to what the rest of the world is up to. Due to this, these are the times when we tend to see the rough moments harder than anyone else's rough patches, and treat them as such. Sometimes we think that nobody else could possibly understand the insurmountable pile of crap we trudge to the top of every day, only to roll off it when we clock out and have to tackle it again the next day. We forget that other people have issues. We forget that we never truly know the battles other people are fighting, and assume things based off the external factors: refer back to the assumption of my holding a Starbucks coffee.

I'm absolutely a culprit of this. I've caught myself feeling like other people's crap and hardships aren't nearly as intense or heavy or important as mine. It's a temporary thought, because every time I catch myself almost immediately (thanks to growing up with "Catholic Guilt"). Tables have been turned recently, and I feel like I have to keep reminding some people that their troubles, misfortunes, adversities, whatever they may be, are legitimate, but that does not mean they are more important than mine. They don't make the way I feel and what I have to deal with on a daily basis any less valid or warranted. I work 40+ hour work weeks, too. I pay rent and take care of bills, too. I clean the house, help my parents, help my friends, run errands, clean the bathroom, do laundry, empty the dishwasher, cook, take my dog for runs, just like everyone else. On top of that, there are additional issues that have more gravity, like my work environment situation, or how my mom is fed up with my dad, or how some nights I just stay awake trying to figure out how to stop crying. 

Those things don't hold less value than your things. They're equal, just different.  

Sunday, August 10, 2014


We had one of a few supermoons of the summer happen tonight, and to say it was hauntingly beautiful would be one of the biggest understatements I've made. It also happens to be my birthday, which made it the best birthday gift I received aside from the flowers and nifty high-heeled tape dispenser from my brother. He gets me. 

...AND Shark Week started tonight... AND it's national s'mores day....soooo I guess I AM kind of winning for once.  

I try to spend as much of my day, every day, being grateful for what I have, and sometimes for what I don't have. I know I could be a lot worse off, and I know that every day for the past twenty-something years I'm lucky to be alive thanks to my mom saving my life. I'm grateful that my dad went out of his way to run to Starbucks and buy me a latte this morning, and I'm grateful that my mom bought me new jeans yesterday as part of my birthday present. I'm grateful that my brother used his newly acquired driver's license to not only drive himself to the gym today instead of asking for a ride, but to stop by the supermarket on his way home and buy me flowers, especially since he picked out Gerbera daisies instead of roses. I'm grateful for the voicemails my friends left me saying happy birthday, and I'm grateful for all of the Facebook "love" I get from people even if it's the one time during the whole year they say anything to me at all. I'm grateful for the picture of the beautiful beach my sister sent me this morning during her run, and for everything at all. 

That being said, I'm having a very hard time shaking this feeling that I'm going to fall apart. I'm not quite sure what to do, and I wish there was a rulebook or some kind of user's manual for this life thing. I guess you get to a point in your life when you realize that nothing exciting is ever going to happen to you. I think that is the part I'm having a hard time with.