Monday, April 28, 2014

Natural Calm powder...

... Is not something you should bring to work in a plastic snack bag... Unless you want to get judgmental stares and frantic calls to security. 

If you've never seen or used magnesium powder... It's white powder. Yeah, it looks like coke. However, if you want to shock some people and be entertained for a minute, spill some on the table and proceed to try to scrape it in a little pile to clean up. Chances are (for me at least) it will end up in a line and your boss will walk around the corner to your desk. 


Incredibly grateful that my boss has a great sense of humor. I guess it probably didn't help that I was giggling like a child about the fact that it looked like I had a line of coke ready to go on my desk on government property. It was magnesium! I've never done drugs. Scouts honor. 

Lesson learned: bring pre-mixed magnesium lemonade to work. 


...that's the alias for a guy at work. He's in his 60s and recently married a pretty 40-something year old. They're clearly still in the honeymoon phase. I know this thanks to the inappropriate conversations he has way too loudly at his desk when she calls. 

"...okay honey bear I'll see you when I get home! Aww kissy kissy for you! .... Yeah?... Haha I guess the only jobs I'll be doing when I get home are missionaries!... Ohh you little devil you!..."

And on... And on...  I feel like I'm getting punked. 

It's sweet until I can taste my lunch coming back up. They're also (clearly) trying to conceive as well, so we get to hear about how he's so excited to be a papa! 

I love kids sooooo much... But ahhhh.  Staaahhhhhppppppp. 

Mini Ninja Turtle Pup

Last week, Meus (one of my very best friends at work) and I went down to the local SPCA on our lunch break to meet up with her husband and youngest son to look at some puppies. Her ten year old has been begging for a dog, so rescuing seemed like a good option. This location had a few good ones that were small and family friendly. 

I think it always happens this way. You go with someone else who is looking. See all of the adorable faces that just have "love me" stamped all over them, and then you wake up the next morning and realize you are now responsible for a tiny fuzzy adorable creature. 

Mine just happens to be broken. This is Leo; he's a seven month old terrier mix, and the sweetest little guy. I have yet to hear him make a sound (possibly because he's still drugged from puppy painkillers). All he wants to do is sit on my lap and lock my chest! Yeah, well. Guess that's a guy thing. 

Anyway, Kimber and I went down to the SPCA Saturday, and sure as shit, I woke up with a puppy love hangover on Sunday. I adopted this dude. His little 1950s teddy bear face in the cone of shame just sucked me in! Oh, yeah, cone of shame is on this poor little guy because a big dog was a jackass attacked him, and broke his back leg. My little ironman now has a permanent plate and pins in his back leg, and got some nifty shorts out of that haircut! 

So Leo, aka Leonardo the puppy ninja turtle is getting his family jewels snipped today and then I get to take him home for some cuddles and a nifty puppy t-shirt that says "STUD". Don't roll your eyes. I also got him a really cool puppy house that has a sunroof.... AND a harness with a seatbelt tether! Sweet! He's gonna love it! 

I hope. 

I'm sure he will do really great, plus I get to work from home tomorrow, which I think will help him get adjusted. 

 How freakin' adorable is he?! Ahhhh. So melty. 


The internet is a wonderful thing. I found this awesomeness on the chive/berry this weekend. How cool is this?! Or am I just a nerd? 

Case of the Mondays

Usually, I work from home on Mondays. Being in the office today, I'm totally remembering why.

Slow days like these have helped my creative abilities, though! For example... There's a new game... Inspired by chess clock Jenga... I call it Pacific Crush. If you've never played candy crush while listening to the Pacific Rim soundtrack, you should. If you've never listened to the Pacific Rim soundtrack, you should also get on that. ASAP. 

Basically, I find an empty conference room to hide in, open candy crush, and try to beat a level before a song ends. This new game has been short lived, because everything gets so intense! And frustrating. Seriously, try it. You'll experience a new level of hatred toward the world.. Or at least your phone. 

Monday minutes are also undoubtedly longer than any microwave minute could possibly be. HOW?!?! It's 745 and I'm finished with my work for the day... I've been here for two hours. Eight left. Worst. State worker. EVER. 

Thank goodness for silly snapchats with BC and Blair and Red Sox. 

[This is probably going to be the most random post compiled of random thoughts I'm jotting down thanks to excessive boredom and being an over-achiever at work.]

Luckily, in about two minutes I get to take a walk break with Kimber! SHE liked my joke this morning, unlike SOME little brother. If you missed it... 

What do you call a dog magician?

.....a LABRACADABRADOR! Ahhhh Hahahaha 

Yeah, I made myself laugh out loud with that one. Thanks to The Berry and the morning coffee! Not original, just, what was the term? "Horrendously funny"?  Sooo love all the love I get in the morning. 

Speaking of the LABRACADABRADOR (shit.. now it autocorrects to all caps. I don't have the patience to fix it today.) Anyway, I get to pick up my tiny ninja turtle today! Since I've had about half an hour to update anything in the past week, here's the news: I saved a puppy, it's big adorable puppy eyes sucked me in, and I adopted this scrappy little 7 month old terrier mix named Leonardo (hence the ninja turtle reference) I get to bring this little lovey guy home in  approximately too many hours from now! Okay, seven hours. Rescue dog story to follow. 

Until then, I'm going to work on reliving the wonderfully amusing moments f the last two weeks and get them written out. I feel selfish being the only person that gets to laugh at myself. 

Outtttttt. Cause you'd never say over and out. That's like saying I'm expecting a response from you (over) but I'm not going to listen cause in done (out)... Funny how that works huh?

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Dating Profiles....

...yeah, you're gonna like this one.

Kimber and I have been spending much needed girl time together, and to avoid cabin fever and being too broke to go out and be adventurous (also, we didn't have her daughter's carseat with us), we decided to turn on Deadbeat (thanks Hulu!), make margaritas, and read guys' online dating profiles. Dear. Lord. SO ENTERTAINING.

I'm just going to start by saying I am all for any kind of dating. I think online dating is fantastic; it gets the bullshit out of the way. You can just get to the point about who you are and what you like. Please don't take this as me being judgmental, it's just FUNNY.

Flipping through these profiles kept us entertained for a couple hours. Like, literally laughing until we cried. I've never seen so many guys who respond "NO WAY!" to whether or not they smoke. Just about EVERY guy also has a photo of them with a small child (usually their niece or nephew, occasionally their own). Also, tons of pictures of these guys scuba diving, climbing mountains, jet skiing, or wrestling alligators. Are women really looking for Bear Grylls?? That's a legitimate question. I don't think "can arm wrestle a grizzly" is anywhere on my list of must-have qualities. Seriously, bring over take out and a good movie and I'm a happy camper (ONCE, usually during shark week... that is not an invitation to ONLY have dates like that. Let's get real).

Then there are their "About Me" sections. Equally as entertaining as the mountain-man, party animal, successful businessman selfie shmorgasboards.
Conclusions Kimber and I were able to draw from reading these awesomely entertaining life descriptions include that all men...
1. are easy-going/laid back
2. love going to the gym/pumping iron/getting swole
3. like dogs/have a dog/if you don't get along with their dog peace out
4. LOOOOVE the outdoors
5. spend weekends mountain biking and hanging out with friends
6. have family and friends that mean the world to them, and they come first
7. love going out and showing off their girl, but also like a calm night in cuddled on the couch
8. are musically talented, but you know, haven't played in years and want to get back into it
9. are so adventurous and looking for a girl who is spontaneous!
10. are totally sarcastic

Really dudes? Really? Let's get creative! For example, "TheBluesBrother" apparently is "willing to lie and tell your parents we met at the library". That made us laugh out loud.

"FrankTheTank" is "...cute, funny, and semi-perverted. Hope you're okay with that." Oh yes, because that's totally what all women want to hear. Then again... haha... ohhh boy.

"Matt1994Matt" has such an original username... and is "the most sarcastic guy you'll ever meet, so don't take me seriously, unless I'm being serious..." Ummmm... what?! Sarc- is my second favorite -asm for sure, but there's a line.

By the way, we made notes of these so we'd remember the ridiculousness to blog. I'm just not sure I could ever take a guy seriously in a masculine way with a username like "TheSnuggler". Maybe it's just me. To each their own!

Anyway, we got a reallllllly great laugh out of it. ALMOST better than reading Missed Connections on Craigslist!

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

my friends...

Everyone thinks they have the best friends in the world. EVERYONE thinks that. However, when I say it, it's much more valid than anyone else saying it.

An event happened that made the sport of brick-throwing seem like a great career choice. It's not. So, here come my friends! Making girls day plans with champagne and trashy tv and massage appointments and mani pedis and dish breaking! 

... And moreover not judging me for drinking a bottle of moscato on a Tuesday night... Or for drunk texting... Or watching Harry Potter... Simultaneously. 

Yesterday's affirmation: 
Caffeine comes in many forms, and they are all beautiful. 

Today's affirmation: 
I am phenomenal, beautiful, and amazing. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. 

Serenity prayer-ing it up today! 

So, that crap that made me cry happened, then The Berry pops up with this after this morning's walk with Kimber (because I'm not using her real name, and this is her alias): 
THANKS INTERNET... The only place where you get rejected twice in 24 hours. 

LAME. At least we had a good laugh about it... Because my friends are the BEST! 

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Rules to live by...

There are a few things I've learned in my twenty-something years on this planet...

1. Just love them. You will always feel better (and better about yourself) when you give love freely. 

2. Sometimes love hurts.... And that's okay. We all learn from it. If it hurts, it means you gave it 100% effort, and you can't do better than your best. 

3. Never stay together for anyone but yourself... They pick up on EVERYTHING. They WILL pick up on if you aren't happy, too. 

4. It's not the 17th century. You don't marry someone because you'll learn to love them, and a religion tells you that you should. You marry someone because they make you inexplicably, irrevocably, soul-on-fire happy that nobody else could do. 

5. Drink the wine... Get the cheap stuff and enjoy it, because I promise it is just as good as the expensive stuff. All that matters is the company. You can spend a lot on some pricey wine and not enjoy it because of who you're around... OR you can buy the cheap stuff and party in your underwear with your best friend and dance to 90s jams. I know what I'd pick! 

6. Hugs are the best... Get them often and give plenty of them. Never be the first to let go when you are hugging someone, especially a child. You never know how much the other person really needs it. 

7. Take the leaps of faith... If you fall, you learned, and you won't jump from that place again. If you fly... Well, that's the best feeling in the world. 

8. Keep the curiosity... Always stay curious to learn. Learning opens the mind and fuels curiosity... Which also happens to fuel the soul. 

9. Make an effort to stay in the lives of those that make an effort to stay in yours... And even those that don't very often. If you think they are worth your time, that's because to you, they are. Make the effort, make the phone call, leave a message, write a note. Sometimes the silliest little post it notes make a world of difference in someone's day. 

10. Make time for yourself... Whether it's yoga or meditating or blogging or running or painting or whatever. Make half an hour a day of time for YOU. Just 30 minutes. 

11.  Tell people how you feel. Often... Even if it's going out on a limb and risking your heart being shattered on the floor. Take the chance and just do it. Nothing sucks like living in the land of "what-ifs". Tell the people you are grateful for how much you appreciate them. It's ways nice to be reminded. 

There are many more, however I drank the wine and now it's bedtime.

it is a risk to love

... what if it doesn't work out? Ah, but... what if it does?

I've been taking this chance on someone lately, and have been toying with those two questions a heck of a lot. I'm one hundred percent aware of the chance I'm taking, and it's a conscious decision... to a point. There's a point in a relationship when you can't turn back. Even if you try, you can't, because that person is so incredibly wonderful, and perfectly imperfect. It's quite trying some days. And draining. And exhausting. And so worth it. I have no regrets. 

Then the frustration set in, and I kept wondering "why not just take the leap of faith?! Just jump, because you will fly and I won't let you fall." ...I also reminded myself that I'm a catch. I've been through a lot of crap, I'm a little broken, and I'm far from perfect. BUT... I'm a phenomenal catch. So, even though I feel like I'd wasted three years of my life on someone who would never and could never make me a priority, I'm still a catch, and I've been making myself a priority... and it's making me remember every day that I'm worth taking a chance on. For the record, I've also learned that no relationship is ever a waste of time. None of them have been, even though they didn't end up being what I wanted. Instead, I found out what I definitely don't want. What I do want, and even moreover, what I deserve is someone that will give me one hundred percent back when I give my one hundred percent.  

I'm not a conceited or narcissistic person. At ALL. I actually feel guilty and gross when I look in the mirror too often or get a lot of compliments. However, I have come to realize that it's okay to love yourself confidently, not conceitedly, and I am proud of myself. Like every one of you reading this, I'm made up of the same elements as tigers. My DNA has the same twenty amino acids that wolf genes code for. I'm seventy-five percent water - the same element that both sustains life, and devastates it. My hands can do anything I'd like, from creating works of art (except drawing, my hands and I have tried that. It's a no - go) to hammering nails into scrap wood, to delicately caring for someone. I can do all of this with the same ten fingers. 

If you haven't gathered by now, I'm mostly pep-talking myself tonight. I need it, and there is nothing wrong with that. I'm also just hoping that someone else will benefit from these little reminders as well. 

I had a talk with someone very close to me yesterday who is going through a severe rough patch. He told me that he just keeps thinking the "what if" questions. What if he'd done something differently? What if he'd gone to point one instead of point two? What if this? What if that? The situation was all his fault because of decisions that he made. So, I told him a secret: It doesn't matter. The "what if" questions don't matter. Why? Because they aren't real. It doesn't matter what you did five seconds ago. It's done. It's in the past. You made it through those five seconds, so what are you going to do with the next five seconds, or minutes, or days? That is the part that matters. Nobody can go back and change what happened, and it's insanely hard to accept, I absolutely understand that to the core of the concept. There is nothing you can do to change the past, but you have control over what you do now. 

His situation made me think of mine, so I told him, "it doesn't matter what you should have done or wish you'd done differently. Even if you did do something differently, you'd still be in the same spot you are now. Where you are now is exactly where you're meant to be. If you'd have made a left turn instead of a right turn, some other event would have happened to bring you to this exact spot anyway. So, no. This isn't how you thought your story would be written, and you didn't expect this plot twist. Nobody ever does. The beauty is that we get to start another new exciting chapter." ...Probably the first time I've ever heard a man so quickly and readily admit to me being right about something. 

When I was a kid, this definitely isn't where I pictured myself being at this point in my life (yes, I'm still in my 20s, and yes, I still have plenty of time, my whole life). What I did picture was happiness, and that's what's I'll undoubtedly get. All I need is the next two hundred feet. You can drive from one side of the country to the other, all in darkness, because you have headlights that can show you the next two hundred feet. Two hundred feet at a time, and I can, and will, get where I'm supposed to be.  

...In the meantime, if you want in my life, the door is open. If you want out of my life, the door is open. BUT... don't stand in the doorway- You're blocking traffic.

the centipede fiasco

Friday, April 11, 2014

Everyone gets freaked out by something. EVERYONE. For my roommate (Nic... That's what we are calling her for the purposes of this blog) it's usually spiders, but the other night she would have gladly conquered and spider in place of what she came face to face with. Let me set this up for you...

My recent dramatic and stress-filled days at worked sparked the new "Wino Wednesday" movement in our house (which, I might add, after this Wednesday has become short lived and  quickly abolished). I won't disclose how much wine I'd actually gone through that night, however, it was enough to result in a headache Thursday morning. Nic was at her sister's house until about 845 that night, and I was spending some time on Skype with a certain incredibly handsome man that I absolutely adore and don't get to see nearly often enough (we've decided to call him BC). So as he and I are giggling our butts off with each other (read that as he was chuckling... I've been informed that men don't giggle, they chuckle), Nic gets home and I hear her out in the kitchen, thinking nothing of it... Because, well, I was drunk-ish and having such an amazing night with BC.  Around 9:30 I get a text from Nic...

"Ahhhhh I'm sorry I know it's late but there is a HUGE BUG IN MY BATHROOM!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

At this point I'm giggling my little butt off even more as I show BC the text. I'm thinking it's just some oversized earwig and she's just being silly. I heard her out in the kitchen again and thought, "wow she must be really hungry tonight it's late!" (Note: I do not care at all how much people eat, she and I just aren't ones for late night snacking, really). Fifteen minutes layer I see another text with a link. I opened the link and immediately responded with "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?!?! What?!" 

Another fifteen minutes pass when Nic texts back with, "A centipede!!!! It crawled out of my bathroom vent while I was in the shower!! OMG KC PLEASE HELP ME!!!!"

I show super handsome BC this text, and he tells me I should really go help her now. I agree and took my tablet with me, him still on Skype, because, we'll, I'm drunk and have a feeling this is going to just get better. ... And it definitely did. 

BC and I walk into the hallway that Nic is pacing up and down (it's about an eight foot hallway),  and upon approaching her bathroom, she says, "KC be careful... It's FAST." There is the broom laying on the floor next to a paper towel, centipede on top of that, clear Tupperware over it, and a bottle of peroxide on top of that. Also, a few legs were cut off and still wiggling attached to the edge of the Tupperware. I laughed SO hard I not only hit the floor, but I almost peed my pants, probably because Wino Wednesday was catching up quickly.

I showed BC, and he responded with a look of disbelief. For the record, this monster of a centipede came across MUCH smaller on tablet Skype than it actually was. This satan bug was easily as big as big as my hand... length wise wrist to the tip of my middle finger. Solid five inches for sure.... and it's legs.. EW it's legs were gag-worthy. BC is trying not to laugh at us before hanging up to take care of some stuff (I honestly couldn't tell you what because I was still trying to hold in my pee). Making my way into the bathroom, Nic was still pacing the short hallway describing the events thus far:

" I got the broom and I knocked it off the wall and then it jumped to the ceiling, and that's when I KNEW this monster was not playing around! I grabbed the tupperware and a paper towel and I knocked it onto the floor... and THEN I was trying to get it on the paper towel to trap it and this fucker CHARGED ME. IT CHARGED ME KC. It got up on it's fifty hind legs and snapped its little mouth and feelers at me and then it started RUNNING straight for me! So I THREW the tupperware on top of it and I smashed it down, and that's when I cut it's legs off!"

While listening and trying to keep my drunk self together and not laugh so hard I knock the hellbug's cage over, I tried to maneuver the lid of the tupperware underneath the paper towel to get it the hell out of the house. That's when it moved. The shock must have worn off from it's leg amputation, and the rage was setting in because this thing went NUTS and was running around all over in it's big see-through jail cell. Finally managing to get the lid under and mostly slammed shut, I told Nic to grab a garbage bag so we could put it outside. It took another five minutes, but she managed to pull herself together enough to get a bag and open it up. We both headed out the front door, just in case this sucker managed to escape, when Nic freaked out again, dropped the bag, and ran toward the parking area. Keep in mind, we're being quite loud, it's 10:30pm, and did I mention we were both in our underwear and a tank top... and I'm still drunk? YEAH. In that moment, we turned into THOSE neighbors. I was still laughing, grabbed the trash bag, threw the box in it, and tied it up. I made sure that thing was sealed really well in hopes of suffocating this monster.

Cooling down from the excitement, we head back inside and poured ourselves some water. BC called back on Skype then (guy's got great timing) and asked how it was going. I quickly recapped the events to which he replied, "Did you kill it?!"... "No"... "Oh, did you let it go outside?" (I love that he would think so highly of me).."No".... "Well what did you do with it? Decide to keep it as a pet?!"... "EW NO! I trapped it in the tupperware and sealed it up in a trash bag... hoping it's gonna just suffocate eventually."..... "Okay, slow and painful death it is..." Still drunk, I just kept laughing. He's cute AND funny.

Dear holy goodness. We spent the entire next evening cleaning the house top to bottom. I also couldn't keep my eyes off of the vent in my bathroom when I showered the next morning. Needless to say, we're both still quite terrified of our bathrooms.

Elevator Small Talk?

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Here is what I know today... 

First of all, I'm currently watching training demos for a new learning management system at work. Does a demo on creating a group REALLY need to be 87 pages long?! Truly people, get it together. Also, this is demo number two of 24.... Sooooo we're gonna be here a while.

Secondly, men (I should just say boys because I have yet to meet any real men lately) are getting slightly disappointing.

I stepped into the elevator at work this morning (let's be real- I should have taken the stairs because I'm only on the second floor, I know... Lame. Working on that), and a middle-aged guy steps in right after me. I was updating my breakfast into an app on my phone when this guy says, "I had a life threatening emergency last night." To which I responded, "I'm very sorry to hear that. I hope you're okay now" (Read: WHAT?! That is not something you tell someone you've never met or seen before, and it definitely isn't a good start to any pickup line... Please let this elevator move faster). 

Stranger: "yeah, my phone battery dropped to 10% last night... And I didn't have a charger!" 

Me: "..............that's rough...." 

Uhh WHAT?! This was also the absolute slowest one floor elevator trip I've ever experienced. I stepped off wishing him better luck with his battery today (which in retrospect sounds strange). Really not sure if that was a bad attempt at small talk, or if he was making fun of me being on my phone, or what the heck it was. Sadly enough, this has not been my first weird experience on an elevator at work. 

My coworkers and I are still speculating where the footprints on the ceiling of an elevator car came from.... Also, it sometimes smells very strongly of alcohol. 

People are amazing. 

stranger danger

Saturday, March 8, 2014

I meet the strangest people.

There is something weird about being enclosed in a metal box with strangers that brings out the awkward in everyone. 

One morning a few months ago, I parked my car and upon hopping out and locking it, said good morning to a nice middle-aged man whom I'd never seen before (that happens a lot when there are 5000 employees at your agency). I power walked into the building to avoid being in the 20 degree weather any longer than necessary because I forgot my jacket. 

Once I finally reached the slightly warmer entrance of the building, I was cheerily greeted by two people in santa hats handing out lanyards with holiday wishes attached to them, thanking everyone for all of their hard work. You're welcome, person I've never worked with before! 

My lazy butt hit the elevator button to go up to the second floor. My legs were still slightly frozen and my equilibrium refuses to function before 7 am. The next thing I heard...

"Well if I'd have known you were taking the elevator I'd have raced you in here." 

Umm... What? Yes, it was dude from the parking lot. I proceeded to wish this to be a short elevator ride. 

With floors 2 & 4 lit and the doors closing, parking lot dude ponders (out loud) the reasoning behind the choice of lanyards as thank you gifts to everyone. 

"Why would they give us lanyards? Everyone has something to hold their badge on already." 

Okay, good point. I nod in agreement with no clue how to respond because again, no coffee = no talkie. 

"Seriously, this probably wasn't the best option. I mean this is a weapon they're handing out. See? You could totally choke someone out with this!" [insert pantomime of strangling someone with a lanyard... Also include gurgling noises]

Those doors could not open up fast enough. I laughed the most awkward laugh of my life, and basically launched myself out of the elevator, barely wishing him a nice day. 

Ugh. So weird. 


Sunday, March 16, 2014

As my best friend and roommate was practicing her makeup and hairstyles on me for an upcoming wedding she is working, her four year old was playing with his toys on the patio. Adorable. All of the dinosaurs were lined up and he was teaching them... about dinosaurs. Have I mentioned how much I love kids? Their imaginations are fantastically alive and untainted. He then proceeded to get one stuck in his bike spokes on "accident".

My roommate finished getting me all dolled up, and she did a fantastic job for the record! She then asked if it was okay if she could take a shower and I could watch little guy, which of course it was. So, I'm picking out shoes to go with my dress, and he comes over behind me and starts tapping a toy on my shoulder saying "knock, knock!" I naturally responded with, "Who's there?" and the reply I received was slightly boggling. "Toyota!" Toyota? What? Why is a four year old boy talking about Toyota trucks?

"Yeah, Toyota! Knock, knock!" he started over. 
"Who's there?"
"Toyota!" Still tapping his toy (which I had yet to look at) on my shoulder. 
"Toyota who?!"
"Knock, knock!"

After about three more rounds of this (I couldn't stop asking because his giggling was too adorable to interrupt), I had actually decided to take a look at what he was continuously tapping on my shoulder. 

His Yoda toy. TOY YODA. Not Toyota. I think the light bulb that lit up in my brain was probably bright enough to light up the western seaboard. I could not stop laughing; it was fantastic. 

His mom comes out of the hallway asking what we were talking about Toyota trucks for, and I said that's exactly what I was wondering, until I saw his toy. I held up his toy to show her, and she said, "OH! Toy YODA!"

I think we laughed so hard we cried. :)

Internet Radio

Sunday, March 23, 2014

... Let's just say I'm very thankful that internet radio was created. Otherwise, I'd be stuck typing at a computer for ten hours a day with the same songs on shuffle. We don't get regular radio reception here, so I'm always dependent on whatever music I can get with my phone.

This morning, I discovered a station called "Songs to Sing in the Shower". The alliteration was a little too much for me to say out loud this morning before the Excedrin kicked in, but it sparked my interest nonetheless. I turned it on, and was given the following songs...

Wannabe /Spice Girls
To Be With You /Mr Big
Not Ready to Make Nice /Dixie Chicks
Firework /Katy Perry
I Want it That Way /Backstreet Boys
Don't Stop Believing /Journey
Save Tonight /Eagle-Eye Cherry

If you sang all of these titles in your head while reading them, you, like me, are most likely a 90s child / 80s baby. Yep. 

I decided to entertain a certain someone with my singing this morning, and send texts of me singing the songs to him. Apparently I got way too excited, because after I hit send, I immediately made myself laugh with how dorky I am... And fell out of my chair... Backwards... And hit the floor.  

This stuff can't be scripted.

Self check-out stations...

...are the main reason why I won't go to the store with my mother. I love her to pieces, but every single time they get the best of her. Every. Single. Time. 

Tonight, I stopped by my parents' house to see my brother and have dinner with them. My mom and I ran over to the grocery store to pick up a couple things so my dad could finish making dinner. I picked up one thing for myself (some magnesium powder... That's a story for another post...). One item. Just one.y mother had about eight. Still not a lot, but significantly more. 

We get to the checkout lines, and there are a few people in each line, but the self check is pretty open, so I take my one item over there while my mother said she's going to the express line. Good decision. 

About half a minute later, she's behind me waiting for me to finish my purchase. I asked what she was doing, and she told me there were too any people over there and this would be quicker. She also insists on trying to use this technology by herself every time we attempt this. 

Here is my side of this conversation...
"Mom, it didn't scan the last thing. No, that's why it's telling you there is something in the bagging area. Because it didn't scan it. No, take the bananas off the scanner. Mom. Move the bananas. The bananas. Here. Scan this. The barcode is on the other side. Okay, I'm going to put it in the bag so just wait. MOM it's asking because i haven't gotten a stupid bag open yet. No just wait a second. Okay. MOM why did you the button to not bag that? I was putting it in the bag! Okay let me move it. Well now you need to wait. Stop trying to scan it until it goes to the other screen! WHY did you come to this line? Yes, but that nice lady could have had this done for you by now. I know there's no barcode on bananas, that's why you need to press look up item. Bananas. You're going to look up bananas... Because there is no barcode. I know you scanned your club card you need to press the green button now. The green one. That one. Right there. No don't move the bags yet. Okay, don't forget your receipt. It's right there where it says receipt..."

Oh boy. How she gets through the day is beyond me. I love this woman and quite literally owe her my life, but dear lord lady... Get it together! 

I know, I know... Those things can be a real pain in the ass. But this is a woman who has used them a ton of times before. And every time is the same! There isn't much of a learning curve... Essentially, given that this technology allows a person to complete their own purchase, my mother continues to defeat herself when she can't figure it out. It baffles me. The woman is on level 4627 of candy crush, but can't read a screen and follow these directions (if you've played candy crush, you know how candy-soul-crushing it actually is and making it past level 200 is a feat in itself). 

Yeah. We don't shop together much.