Vent

The past four days I've spent in Santa Cruz to surprise one of my friends with her bachelorette party. It was pretty fantastic to say the least. It was a little stressful, but overall it went fantastically.

Three girls and I spent the past few months planning this trip, which included three nights in a house across the street from the beach, a bar hopping night with bachelorette scavenger hunt (get a piggyback ride from a stranger, buy another bride-to-be a drink, get a condom from a guy, stuff like that), a fancy-ish dress up dinner night, shopping in Capitola, beach bonfire with smores, the pantyhose oven mitt game, and lots of other fun shenanigans.

I also made a conscious effort to not talk to anyone that wasn't in the house with me; it's not often you get the chance to really get to know seven other girls and spend time away from regular life with them. I hardly talked to my parents (only twice to check on the puppy), and twice to my roommate (she went into mom mode and was checking up on me). Consciously putting out the effort to not talk to people is actually pretty difficult for me; I talk a lot. However, in doing so I realized a lot of things. The beach (as well as mountains) give me some peace. I can think more clearly and feel much more at ease when I'm in either of these places.

I'm still angry and still hurt and frustrated. Life happens and you learn from it and move on. You own up to your mistakes and don't make them twice. Things aren't fair and when you have good, amazing people right in front of you that are worth loving, just let yourself do it. If you don't, tell them so they can move on.

I'm feeling like I'm stuck in an emotional tug of war. It's not fair, and I can't find a way around it. I can't stop feeling what I feel, and it just hurts that what was once reciprocated isn't anymore. I'm so worth the time, and I'm worth the effort, and when I want to keep someone in my life, I make an effort to keep them in it.