Natural Calm powder...

... Is not something you should bring to work in a plastic snack bag... Unless you want to get judgmental stares and frantic calls to security. 

If you've never seen or used magnesium powder... It's white powder. Yeah, it looks like coke. However, if you want to shock some people and be entertained for a minute, spill some on the table and proceed to try to scrape it in a little pile to clean up. Chances are (for me at least) it will end up in a line and your boss will walk around the corner to your desk. 

Awesome. 

Incredibly grateful that my boss has a great sense of humor. I guess it probably didn't help that I was giggling like a child about the fact that it looked like I had a line of coke ready to go on my desk on government property. It was magnesium! I've never done drugs. Scouts honor. 

Lesson learned: bring pre-mixed magnesium lemonade to work. 

SPED

...that's the alias for a guy at work. He's in his 60s and recently married a pretty 40-something year old. They're clearly still in the honeymoon phase. I know this thanks to the inappropriate conversations he has way too loudly at his desk when she calls. 

"...okay honey bear I'll see you when I get home! Aww kissy kissy for you! .... Yeah?... Haha I guess the only jobs I'll be doing when I get home are missionaries!... Ohh you little devil you!..."

And on... And on...  I feel like I'm getting punked. 

It's sweet until I can taste my lunch coming back up. They're also (clearly) trying to conceive as well, so we get to hear about how he's so excited to be a papa! 

I love kids sooooo much... But ahhhh.  Staaahhhhhppppppp. 

Mini Ninja Turtle Pup

Last week, Meus (one of my very best friends at work) and I went down to the local SPCA on our lunch break to meet up with her husband and youngest son to look at some puppies. Her ten year old has been begging for a dog, so rescuing seemed like a good option. This location had a few good ones that were small and family friendly. 

I think it always happens this way. You go with someone else who is looking. See all of the adorable faces that just have "love me" stamped all over them, and then you wake up the next morning and realize you are now responsible for a tiny fuzzy adorable creature. 

Mine just happens to be broken. This is Leo; he's a seven month old terrier mix, and the sweetest little guy. I have yet to hear him make a sound (possibly because he's still drugged from puppy painkillers). All he wants to do is sit on my lap and lock my chest! Yeah, well. Guess that's a guy thing. 

Anyway, Kimber and I went down to the SPCA Saturday, and sure as shit, I woke up with a puppy love hangover on Sunday. I adopted this dude. His little 1950s teddy bear face in the cone of shame just sucked me in! Oh, yeah, cone of shame is on this poor little guy because a big dog was a jackass attacked him, and broke his back leg. My little ironman now has a permanent plate and pins in his back leg, and got some nifty shorts out of that haircut! 

So Leo, aka Leonardo the puppy ninja turtle is getting his family jewels snipped today and then I get to take him home for some cuddles and a nifty puppy t-shirt that says "STUD". Don't roll your eyes. I also got him a really cool puppy house that has a sunroof.... AND a harness with a seatbelt tether! Sweet! He's gonna love it! 

I hope. 

I'm sure he will do really great, plus I get to work from home tomorrow, which I think will help him get adjusted. 

 How freakin' adorable is he?! Ahhhh. So melty. 

Blueprint!

The internet is a wonderful thing. I found this awesomeness on the chive/berry this weekend. How cool is this?! Or am I just a nerd? 

Case of the Mondays

Usually, I work from home on Mondays. Being in the office today, I'm totally remembering why.

Slow days like these have helped my creative abilities, though! For example... There's a new game... Inspired by chess clock Jenga... I call it Pacific Crush. If you've never played candy crush while listening to the Pacific Rim soundtrack, you should. If you've never listened to the Pacific Rim soundtrack, you should also get on that. ASAP. 

Basically, I find an empty conference room to hide in, open candy crush, and try to beat a level before a song ends. This new game has been short lived, because everything gets so intense! And frustrating. Seriously, try it. You'll experience a new level of hatred toward the world.. Or at least your phone. 

Monday minutes are also undoubtedly longer than any microwave minute could possibly be. HOW?!?! It's 745 and I'm finished with my work for the day... I've been here for two hours. Eight left. Worst. State worker. EVER. 

Thank goodness for silly snapchats with BC and Blair and Red Sox. 

[This is probably going to be the most random post compiled of random thoughts I'm jotting down thanks to excessive boredom and being an over-achiever at work.]

Luckily, in about two minutes I get to take a walk break with Kimber! SHE liked my joke this morning, unlike SOME little brother. If you missed it... 

What do you call a dog magician?

.....a LABRACADABRADOR! Ahhhh Hahahaha 

Yeah, I made myself laugh out loud with that one. Thanks to The Berry and the morning coffee! Not original, just, what was the term? "Horrendously funny"?  Sooo love all the love I get in the morning. 

Speaking of the LABRACADABRADOR (shit.. now it autocorrects to all caps. I don't have the patience to fix it today.) Anyway, I get to pick up my tiny ninja turtle today! Since I've had about half an hour to update anything in the past week, here's the news: I saved a puppy, it's big adorable puppy eyes sucked me in, and I adopted this scrappy little 7 month old terrier mix named Leonardo (hence the ninja turtle reference) I get to bring this little lovey guy home in  approximately too many hours from now! Okay, seven hours. Rescue dog story to follow. 

Until then, I'm going to work on reliving the wonderfully amusing moments f the last two weeks and get them written out. I feel selfish being the only person that gets to laugh at myself. 

Outtttttt. Cause you'd never say over and out. That's like saying I'm expecting a response from you (over) but I'm not going to listen cause in done (out)... Funny how that works huh?

Dating Profiles....

...yeah, you're gonna like this one.

Kimber and I have been spending much needed girl time together, and to avoid cabin fever and being too broke to go out and be adventurous (also, we didn't have her daughter's carseat with us), we decided to turn on Deadbeat (thanks Hulu!), make margaritas, and read guys' online dating profiles. Dear. Lord. SO ENTERTAINING.

I'm just going to start by saying I am all for any kind of dating. I think online dating is fantastic; it gets the bullshit out of the way. You can just get to the point about who you are and what you like. Please don't take this as me being judgmental, it's just FUNNY.

Flipping through these profiles kept us entertained for a couple hours. Like, literally laughing until we cried. I've never seen so many guys who respond "NO WAY!" to whether or not they smoke. Just about EVERY guy also has a photo of them with a small child (usually their niece or nephew, occasionally their own). Also, tons of pictures of these guys scuba diving, climbing mountains, jet skiing, or wrestling alligators. Are women really looking for Bear Grylls?? That's a legitimate question. I don't think "can arm wrestle a grizzly" is anywhere on my list of must-have qualities. Seriously, bring over take out and a good movie and I'm a happy camper (ONCE, usually during shark week... that is not an invitation to ONLY have dates like that. Let's get real).

Then there are their "About Me" sections. Equally as entertaining as the mountain-man, party animal, successful businessman selfie shmorgasboards.
Conclusions Kimber and I were able to draw from reading these awesomely entertaining life descriptions include that all men...
1. are easy-going/laid back
2. love going to the gym/pumping iron/getting swole
3. like dogs/have a dog/if you don't get along with their dog peace out
4. LOOOOVE the outdoors
5. spend weekends mountain biking and hanging out with friends
6. have family and friends that mean the world to them, and they come first
7. love going out and showing off their girl, but also like a calm night in cuddled on the couch
8. are musically talented, but you know, haven't played in years and want to get back into it
9. are so adventurous and looking for a girl who is spontaneous!
10. are totally sarcastic

Really dudes? Really? Let's get creative! For example, "TheBluesBrother" apparently is "willing to lie and tell your parents we met at the library". That made us laugh out loud.

"FrankTheTank" is "...cute, funny, and semi-perverted. Hope you're okay with that." Oh yes, because that's totally what all women want to hear. Then again... haha... ohhh boy.

"Matt1994Matt" has such an original username... and is "the most sarcastic guy you'll ever meet, so don't take me seriously, unless I'm being serious..." Ummmm... what?! Sarc- is my second favorite -asm for sure, but there's a line.

By the way, we made notes of these so we'd remember the ridiculousness to blog. I'm just not sure I could ever take a guy seriously in a masculine way with a username like "TheSnuggler". Maybe it's just me. To each their own!


Anyway, we got a reallllllly great laugh out of it. ALMOST better than reading Missed Connections on Craigslist!

my friends...

Everyone thinks they have the best friends in the world. EVERYONE thinks that. However, when I say it, it's much more valid than anyone else saying it.

An event happened that made the sport of brick-throwing seem like a great career choice. It's not. So, here come my friends! Making girls day plans with champagne and trashy tv and massage appointments and mani pedis and dish breaking! 

... And moreover not judging me for drinking a bottle of moscato on a Tuesday night... Or for drunk texting... Or watching Harry Potter... Simultaneously. 

Yesterday's affirmation: 

Caffeine comes in many forms, and they are all beautiful. 

Today's affirmation: 

I am phenomenal, beautiful, and amazing. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. 

Serenity prayer-ing it up today! 

So, that crap that made me cry happened, then The Berry pops up with this after this morning's walk with Kimber (because I'm not using her real name, and this is her alias): 

THANKS INTERNET... The only place where you get rejected twice in 24 hours. 

LAME. At least we had a good laugh about it... Because my friends are the BEST!