Not talking to you is easily one of the hardest things I've had to do. It's a conscious decision every time, and I can't tell you how many times a day I want to tell you about things that are happening... good, bad, and everything silly in between, even if it's just to give you a laugh or two. I miss you terribly, so much that it's a physical feeling. There's a hole in my chest. There is an unyielding and insatiable emptiness.
I can hold my breath, fake a smile, bite my tongue, force a laugh, play the part, dance the dance. I'd stay awake for days and turn on the charm and pretend like it doesn't destroy me if that's what you need me to do. I can do all of that if that's what you want in order to be happy. I can be there as your friend, and I can be the best friend you've ever had. What I can't do is pretend that I don't love you. I can't pretend that I don't know that it's real and true and mind-blowing and soul saving and ravenous and ecstatic. I can't pretend that I remember what life was like before you were present in mine.
And I can't tell you all of these things directly because I love you, and right now that means not saying a word.
No comments:
Post a Comment