The Black Box of Anxiety

I know most of my posts are about ridiculous events and being silly. That's because I have to be. I'm a person that has to remain positive and smiling, even if that smile is screwed on so right the screw is about to be stripped. 

Everyone has something going on. I do my best to smile and say hi to everyone I see. You never know, that tiny bit of kindness could change their day. 

The brain is the ultimate mystery, the "black box". It's a funny, really. I'm typing this, I can hear the words in my head, I'm just not sure if I'm hearing them the way I actually sound. Rationally, I know this is silly, but then that part of my brain that encourages the curiosity thinks it's amazing. 

For a long time, I'd lie awake at night for hours, unable to shut my brain down. One thought would transition into another  stream of thoughts that would turn into another. It seemed neverending. Hours of sleep would disappear, and all I could think the next day was how much I had to get done at work and at home, and how I was going to make sure I'd get in bed early enough to get decent sleep. It didn't matter that I was in bed at 7:30pm, my brain wouldn't stop running in circles until easily 11pm when my eyes overruled and forced my brain to sleep. 

I would argue with myself, rationalize, bargain, tell myself "that's OK, I can deal with that tomorrow, but right now I'm going to sleep," or, "take a minute and breathe. Chill out." All to no avail. 

There are many different types of anxiety. Mine happens to be worrying or thinking about things that either haven't happened yet, won't happen, or things I'm blowing out of proportion unintentionally. Typically, it happens when I'm the least distracted- when I'm lying in bed at the end of the day and events have happened and there's nothing I can do about it, or when I'm in the shower trying to remember everything I think I'm forgetting. Even now, I've been working on this post for about two hours... Annnnd this is how far I've gotten. It's very hard to translate feelings into writing sometimes. 

Quick sidenote- super excited for Sunday... As in May 4th... As in May the fourth be with you... Yay! (And every time someone says that, the catholic school girl part of me that was forced to go to mass every Friday wants to reply with "and also with you"). 

I've had this recent self-discovery thing happen which has surprisingly helped my anxiety. It's basically doing whatever the hell I want, and doing more. I've spent more time with my friends (mostly Nic and Kimber), catching up with my brother (who I'm forcing to guest-post his AP FRQ response because it's fantastic), and investing in a puppy named Leo (that absolutely adores Nic's son. I think he'd rather hang out with him than me any day). It's been very enlightening, this spending a lot of time with myself, too. I know what I want, and I know what I don't want. 

Anyway, here's my issue tonight: I work freelance photography jobs in addition to my full-time job. I love photography, but for some reason, every time I book a shoot, I wind up with a rush of anxiety within the week prior to the event. I psych myself out, I doubt myself, and I worry that I'm going to somehow, well, fuck it up. I'm not really sure why this happens, because every time I have a wonderful time with fantastic people, and the result is gorgeous photographs. It's like a massive weight on my chest (which is definitely not my allergy-induced asthma because I've taken full advantage of my inhaler today), and I really just want to get it over with. That sounds terrible. It sounds like I hate what I do. I've come to find (another recent self-discovery) that I don't ever want to be a professional photographer. EVER. For me to full enjoy every aspect of photography, I have to shoot what I love; it cannot ever be for work or to provide a living. Living in a manner that requires me to depend on intermittent work and shoots is unacceptable. Plus, I refuse to be desensitized by something I enjoy for recreation. 

So that's that. I suppose I can't be anxious about it. I'm a damn good photographer, and I will exceed my own expectations at this shoot this weekend. 

I hope.