Another list.

Much like everyone else on this planet, at this point in my life, I've been through a lot. I have...

Had broken bones 

Gotten promotions

Moved out of my parents' house three times

Tried bear stew

Swam in the pacific and the Atlantic 

Had my heart broken 

Owned a few different pets

Changed a flat tire 

Bought my own car

Gotten myself into debt

Failed college classes

Majored and graduated with honors in the subject I previously failed 

Loved more than I ever thought possible

Read an entire series of books 

Had a Harry Potter marathon 

Learned how much to not drink 

... And a shit load more. 

What I haven't done is probably a longer list. However, please don't assume I don't know what it's like. I may not have ever gotten married, but I have seen a quarter-century marriage succeed... and fall apart; I may not have had and raised my own child yet, but I do know what it's like to feel devastated when it gets taken away from you. My past experiences do not in any way trump anyone else's. I may not have had to go through a life altering event, but that doesn't mean I don't know what it's like to feel sad and depressed and angry and frustrated and relieved and overwhelmed all at the same time. 

I've seen a parent go to rehab for prescription drug addiction, and I've seen friends die because they didn't get the help they needed, which was the point I realized that we are the only ones who make our choices. Whatever choices I make, I go to bed with. The man I love may be lying next to me, but he doesn't have to sleep with my brain constantly replaying decisions, good and bad, until the tape runs out. Just me. 

Nobody will ever truly know what's on another person's mind, and nobody tells 100% of the truth 100% of the time. All you can do is hope that your relationships with the people you choose to keep in your life are strong enough to be honest and open with. You hope that even though one or both of you may be going through what seems like an endless road of hell, you will both come out on the other side in a better place. You hope that the other person knows how much you care for them and although you may get obsessively paranoid about things you have absolutely no control over, it's because you care, you're used to the good you've built with them, and you're hopeful that it really is just all in your head. You then hope they'll forgive you for exerting your stresses and insecurities onto them. You hope for reassurance that your 'person' will still love and accept you despite the ongoing list of flaws you've compiled over the years. You cross your fingers that this jump into the unknown will land you on a cotton candy cloud surrounded by pixie dust and not barreling toward a pit of boiling lava in a dark abyss, all alone, with nothing but scratches and bruises to keep you warm at night. 

I'm looking for the silver lining at the moment. So far... it's knowing that the negative things are only temporary.