When I was a kid I believed in fairies. I believed that love at first sight was a real thing, and that one day it would happen to me. My prince charming, or knight in shining armor, or whatever he would be, would come metaphorically riding into my life, sweep me off my feet, and whisk me away to happily ever after. The rule was, if you were a little girl, you'd grow up to be a princess and fall in love with a handsome prince. That was the rule.
At some point in my mid-twenty-something years, I realized that I'm the exception to this rule. A number of wannabes in tin foil have stumbled up to my doorstep and clamored the claddagh ring door knocker, only to stay for some coffee and leave me there to do the dishes. I'll give them credit for the tin foil; at least they're trying, right?
I'm at the point in my life where the most common trend in society is for all of your friends to get married and start popping out kids like a pez dispenser. I'm also at the point where the other half of my friends that decided to get married early on are getting divorced. There is a swirling tornado of happiness and grief surrounding the world of facebook at the moment, probably all thanks to my friends. It's become quite confusing to my strangely assembled life. Am I supposed to run off and get married to a guy that pops up on match.com? Am I supposed to just be happy that I'm single and don't have to deal with all of the issues that come along with marriage? Am I supposed to be grateful that I can still go out whenever I want because I don't need to find a babysitter? Or am I just supposed to be content with knowing that I don't need to hire a lawyer and make a list of communal property to sort out?
I don't need to do any of that. OR... I can do all of it. I'm learning quite a bit about myself lately, mostly over the last year since my last long-term relationship ended. I may not know what I want entirely, but I most definitely know what I don't want.
I've learned that a habit of mine is dissecting every little thing that happens, especially when members of the opposite sex. For some reason, my brain processes events and texts and messages as if there's some other meaning, when sometimes things can just BE. There doesn't need to be any extraction of it. This also has lead to me putting everything about myself out there and on the table and sometimes almost asking, begging to be smashed into tiny pieces. Many people think that's silly. Why waste time and put yourself out there so much?
I may dissect things too much, I may put myself out there as if nobody has ever broken my heart before, and I may continue to hope that he's going to graciously flow through my door with lilies, knowing that I don't like roses, and kiss me with a dip that I'll probably ruin by slipping and falling on my ass... but at least that all means I still care. I still have hope. Some people in particular may think they've won. They think because they aren't putting themselves out there or letting people in, or even letting people stay in their lives that they won't get hurt. You may not get hurt, but you don't find happiness that way either. I may do a lot of stupid shit, but I'm a lot closer to love than a lot of people.
Part of my dissecting comes from growing up. When I was a kid, if a boy teased you or poked you or was in any way mean to you, it was because he liked you. I was told stories that implored me to wait for the third act twist, like fairy tales and rom-coms always showed in them. I was told that I'd be the exception to that rule that love happens the same way for everyone, that my prince charming would show up when the time was right. What they didn't tell me, and what I've learned, is how to read the signs, how to tell the ones that care from the ones that don't, how to make your own happy ending, how to be content and happy with yourself.
If a guy wants to be with a girl, he will make it happen. He will return the calls, he will hang on to the texts and keep his word. He will do SOMETHING to let you know that he cares, that he STILL cares, and that you are important to him. Even if it's platonic, if a person wants you in their life, they will make room for you to stay, and make the moves to make sure that you do just that.You will also go out of YOUR way to make sure they know you want them in your life. Every relationship takes effort from both sides. So, that person may still love you. They probably do love you more than they're even aware of. They probably think of you more than you have any idea, or give credit to. You may cross their mind during the day, you may even make them smile when they are dealing with something insurmountably difficult to explain. That's all wonderful and hopeful and probably true, but that's not what matters.
What matters is what they're doing about it, and if what they are doing about it is nothing, then you certainly shouldn't be doing anything. I know, it's not that easy. I have no delusions about life being black and white. I see life as one big grey area to be honest. Nothing is ever black and white, unless of course it's #FFFFFF or #000000 for all you web nerds out there.
I'm not in an emotional depression. I have no delusions about where any of my relationships with anyone in my life stand. I'm really just trying to get everything in my head out so I can think straight for the rest of the evening. If it helps someone in the process, then I'm more than happy to be there as well.
No comments:
Post a Comment