I'm taking a mental inventory of my life right about now. For the first time in, well, forever, I understand things I didn't know existed, and I know what I want for my life. I haven't the slightest clue when it will all fall into place, but it will. I realized part of the problem I've had is that everyone puts a lot of responsibility on me, and always has, and don't get me wrong, that's a massive compliment that I wouldn't change for anything... But it left a lot less time for me to figure out how to relax and take care of myself. I've spent the past six years taking care of everyone except me, and because of that I'm feeling it now. Some days it's neat. I've developed this fifth-and-a-half sense that reveals itself as a twisting knot in the pit of my stomach, and somehow I just seem to know when something isn't right instinctively. My anxiety includes a need to make everyone happy, and if someone isn't, I tend to think its my fault. It's not.
I had a conversation with a very close friend last night (we're going to call this person BC... For the badass Canadian Sirius channel we discovered on the radio this weekend) that hit me pretty hard. I got to spend the weekend with BC, taking some risks, laughing at very dumb jokes, and letting chocolate for breakfast be okay. Easily one of the few moments I've felt like myself in my entire life. After the long haul back to my hometown, I think the stress hit both of us pretty hard, leading to a conversation that made me feel like a horrendous person. The last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt this person, and if I did I could never forgive myself. For the record, I didn't. The thought was terrifying and sickening. I wish I could go into detail, however I'm not allowed. I'm getting prettttttty great with confidentiality thanks to work.
So, for a little while, until things settle, I'm on my own. I'll probably be relying way too much on Nic and Kimber and Ads and Meus, but that's what friends are for right? Also, probably lots of moscato. LOTS. ......no, I'm not a wino. Yeah, you know who you are that was thinking it..... :P
First on my list... Taking care of myself, and by that I mean believing I'm worth it. This is a much bigger task than that sentence leads on. This weekend I realized I don't see the world the way most people do. I'm very trusting because I believe people are innately good. Not everyone is good, and not everyone is selfless. Not everyone is selfish either, and that's probably why I feel most myself around BC; we might process our emotionally fucked up-ness differently but we're both entirely selfless. For a long time I'd date guys that were selfish and mostly narcissists. I could never understand why they couldn't go out of their way for me like I did for them. I never went out of my way in expectation of reciprocation, but when that reciprocation failed to happen at all, I'd start questioning it. The repeated cycle of taking care of someone and doing everything possible to make sure they're happy left me empty, so empty that I was no longer happy. 72 hours changed a lot of that. I'm totally worth it, and I am incredibly grateful for such an amazing person to have shown me that.
I'm going to actually follow my previously established rules to live by, and add a few more.
... Drink more water. I'm a big water drinker as it is, but given water is a third oxygen, and oxygen enhances happiness and eases tension, I need to drink more.
... Take longer walks. Not only will this rehab my ankle, but the vitamin D will help me feel happy as well. Not to mention puppy loves to run in circles on the twenty foot leash.... In circles. You'd think I was breaking a tiny horse.
... Read. Read stimulating books, and read before bed. Just read MORE.
... Leave work at work. This is probably one of the biggest ones. I'm allowing myself about fifteen minutes when I get home to talk to whoever about work, and after that, it's done. Work stays at the office.
... Plan purchase and limit impulse buying. Actually, try to eliminate impulse buying. My credit score has been going up, and I want to keep it that way.
... Cut out the toxic. There are a few people I've grown up around that aren't good for me, and I need to accept that it's okay. Just because it's a relative does not mean I owe them anything. I get to choose my friends and who I spend my life with, and THOSE are the relationships that I want to focus on. (Note: this does not mean I don't appreciate my family and relatives, just that I now know which relationships I want to give my energy to.)
... When someone tells me they love me, believe it and trust it.
... Clean makeup, lots of sunscreen, and an abundance of body lotion.
... Stop worrying about other people judging me. Be more secure with myself. After all, as it was pointed out to me this weekend, I shouldn't be so insecure. Stop.
... Clean out anything I haven't worn in a year. Donate it.... Or make a t shirt quilt.
This is a work in progress, and patience laced with hope and optimism is about the only thing that's going to get me through it. Also, the fact that someone owes me. :P
I have to keep giggling about stupid jokes and hot dog monster nightmares to keep my tiny tear ducts for overflowing.
xoxo
KC
No comments:
Post a Comment