... what if it doesn't work out? Ah, but... what if it does?
I've been taking this chance on someone lately, and have been toying with those two questions a heck of a lot. I'm one hundred percent aware of the chance I'm taking, and it's a conscious decision... to a point. There's a point in a relationship when you can't turn back. Even if you try, you can't, because that person is so incredibly wonderful, and perfectly imperfect. It's quite trying some days. And draining. And exhausting. And so worth it. I have no regrets.
Then the frustration set in, and I kept wondering "why not just take the leap of faith?! Just jump, because you will fly and I won't let you fall." ...I also reminded myself that I'm a catch. I've been through a lot of crap, I'm a little broken, and I'm far from perfect. BUT... I'm a phenomenal catch. So, even though I feel like I'd wasted three years of my life on someone who would never and could never make me a priority, I'm still a catch, and I've been making myself a priority... and it's making me remember every day that I'm worth taking a chance on. For the record, I've also learned that no relationship is ever a waste of time. None of them have been, even though they didn't end up being what I wanted. Instead, I found out what I definitely don't want. What I do want, and even moreover, what I deserve is someone that will give me one hundred percent back when I give my one hundred percent.
I'm not a conceited or narcissistic person. At ALL. I actually feel guilty and gross when I look in the mirror too often or get a lot of compliments. However, I have come to realize that it's okay to love yourself confidently, not conceitedly, and I am proud of myself. Like every one of you reading this, I'm made up of the same elements as tigers. My DNA has the same twenty amino acids that wolf genes code for. I'm seventy-five percent water - the same element that both sustains life, and devastates it. My hands can do anything I'd like, from creating works of art (except drawing, my hands and I have tried that. It's a no - go) to hammering nails into scrap wood, to delicately caring for someone. I can do all of this with the same ten fingers.
If you haven't gathered by now, I'm mostly pep-talking myself tonight. I need it, and there is nothing wrong with that. I'm also just hoping that someone else will benefit from these little reminders as well.
I had a talk with someone very close to me yesterday who is going through a severe rough patch. He told me that he just keeps thinking the "what if" questions. What if he'd done something differently? What if he'd gone to point one instead of point two? What if this? What if that? The situation was all his fault because of decisions that he made. So, I told him a secret: It doesn't matter. The "what if" questions don't matter. Why? Because they aren't real. It doesn't matter what you did five seconds ago. It's done. It's in the past. You made it through those five seconds, so what are you going to do with the next five seconds, or minutes, or days? That is the part that matters. Nobody can go back and change what happened, and it's insanely hard to accept, I absolutely understand that to the core of the concept. There is nothing you can do to change the past, but you have control over what you do now.
His situation made me think of mine, so I told him, "it doesn't matter what you should have done or wish you'd done differently. Even if you did do something differently, you'd still be in the same spot you are now. Where you are now is exactly where you're meant to be. If you'd have made a left turn instead of a right turn, some other event would have happened to bring you to this exact spot anyway. So, no. This isn't how you thought your story would be written, and you didn't expect this plot twist. Nobody ever does. The beauty is that we get to start another new exciting chapter." ...Probably the first time I've ever heard a man so quickly and readily admit to me being right about something.
When I was a kid, this definitely isn't where I pictured myself being at this point in my life (yes, I'm still in my 20s, and yes, I still have plenty of time, my whole life). What I did picture was happiness, and that's what's I'll undoubtedly get. All I need is the next two hundred feet. You can drive from one side of the country to the other, all in darkness, because you have headlights that can show you the next two hundred feet. Two hundred feet at a time, and I can, and will, get where I'm supposed to be.
...In the meantime, if you want in my life, the door is open. If you want out of my life, the door is open. BUT... don't stand in the doorway- You're blocking traffic.
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