Tuesday, April 15, 2014

the centipede fiasco

Friday, April 11, 2014

Everyone gets freaked out by something. EVERYONE. For my roommate (Nic... That's what we are calling her for the purposes of this blog) it's usually spiders, but the other night she would have gladly conquered and spider in place of what she came face to face with. Let me set this up for you...

My recent dramatic and stress-filled days at worked sparked the new "Wino Wednesday" movement in our house (which, I might add, after this Wednesday has become short lived and  quickly abolished). I won't disclose how much wine I'd actually gone through that night, however, it was enough to result in a headache Thursday morning. Nic was at her sister's house until about 845 that night, and I was spending some time on Skype with a certain incredibly handsome man that I absolutely adore and don't get to see nearly often enough (we've decided to call him BC). So as he and I are giggling our butts off with each other (read that as he was chuckling... I've been informed that men don't giggle, they chuckle), Nic gets home and I hear her out in the kitchen, thinking nothing of it... Because, well, I was drunk-ish and having such an amazing night with BC.  Around 9:30 I get a text from Nic...

"Ahhhhh I'm sorry I know it's late but there is a HUGE BUG IN MY BATHROOM!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

At this point I'm giggling my little butt off even more as I show BC the text. I'm thinking it's just some oversized earwig and she's just being silly. I heard her out in the kitchen again and thought, "wow she must be really hungry tonight it's late!" (Note: I do not care at all how much people eat, she and I just aren't ones for late night snacking, really). Fifteen minutes layer I see another text with a link. I opened the link and immediately responded with "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?!?! What?!" 

Another fifteen minutes pass when Nic texts back with, "A centipede!!!! It crawled out of my bathroom vent while I was in the shower!! OMG KC PLEASE HELP ME!!!!"

I show super handsome BC this text, and he tells me I should really go help her now. I agree and took my tablet with me, him still on Skype, because, we'll, I'm drunk and have a feeling this is going to just get better. ... And it definitely did. 

BC and I walk into the hallway that Nic is pacing up and down (it's about an eight foot hallway),  and upon approaching her bathroom, she says, "KC be careful... It's FAST." There is the broom laying on the floor next to a paper towel, centipede on top of that, clear Tupperware over it, and a bottle of peroxide on top of that. Also, a few legs were cut off and still wiggling attached to the edge of the Tupperware. I laughed SO hard I not only hit the floor, but I almost peed my pants, probably because Wino Wednesday was catching up quickly.

I showed BC, and he responded with a look of disbelief. For the record, this monster of a centipede came across MUCH smaller on tablet Skype than it actually was. This satan bug was easily as big as big as my hand... length wise wrist to the tip of my middle finger. Solid five inches for sure.... and it's legs.. EW it's legs were gag-worthy. BC is trying not to laugh at us before hanging up to take care of some stuff (I honestly couldn't tell you what because I was still trying to hold in my pee). Making my way into the bathroom, Nic was still pacing the short hallway describing the events thus far:


"...so I got the broom and I knocked it off the wall and then it jumped to the ceiling, and that's when I KNEW this monster was not playing around! I grabbed the tupperware and a paper towel and I knocked it onto the floor... and THEN I was trying to get it on the paper towel to trap it and this fucker CHARGED ME. IT CHARGED ME KC. It got up on it's fifty hind legs and snapped its little mouth and feelers at me and then it started RUNNING straight for me! So I THREW the tupperware on top of it and I smashed it down, and that's when I cut it's legs off!"

While listening and trying to keep my drunk self together and not laugh so hard I knock the hellbug's cage over, I tried to maneuver the lid of the tupperware underneath the paper towel to get it the hell out of the house. That's when it moved. The shock must have worn off from it's leg amputation, and the rage was setting in because this thing went NUTS and was running around all over in it's big see-through jail cell. Finally managing to get the lid under and mostly slammed shut, I told Nic to grab a garbage bag so we could put it outside. It took another five minutes, but she managed to pull herself together enough to get a bag and open it up. We both headed out the front door, just in case this sucker managed to escape, when Nic freaked out again, dropped the bag, and ran toward the parking area. Keep in mind, we're being quite loud, it's 10:30pm, and did I mention we were both in our underwear and a tank top... and I'm still drunk? YEAH. In that moment, we turned into THOSE neighbors. I was still laughing, grabbed the trash bag, threw the box in it, and tied it up. I made sure that thing was sealed really well in hopes of suffocating this monster.

Cooling down from the excitement, we head back inside and poured ourselves some water. BC called back on Skype then (guy's got great timing) and asked how it was going. I quickly recapped the events to which he replied, "Did you kill it?!"... "No"... "Oh, did you let it go outside?" (I love that he would think so highly of me).."No".... "Well what did you do with it? Decide to keep it as a pet?!"... "EW NO! I trapped it in the tupperware and sealed it up in a trash bag... hoping it's gonna just suffocate eventually."..... "Okay, slow and painful death it is..." Still drunk, I just kept laughing. He's cute AND funny.

Dear holy goodness. We spent the entire next evening cleaning the house top to bottom. I also couldn't keep my eyes off of the vent in my bathroom when I showered the next morning. Needless to say, we're both still quite terrified of our bathrooms.

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